THE BUM DOCTOR’S TALE OF A TROUBLED TUSH

Your butt is itching, your tush is a blaze
Scratching’s a must, it goes on for days
It’s driving you crazy somewhat insane
The itching, the burning, it’s affecting your brain
To remedies you turn, and grab all you can gather
Suppositories in the rear, ointments to slather
Nothing is working so who do you see?
Well a proctologist of course, yes that’s ME!
A proctologist, ouch, that will hurt too much
I hear what you say which is why I offer a soft touch
Millions of people suffer, no you’re not alone
So hurry, yes hurry, and pick up the phone
Before things get desperate and you start to feel dire
Call my office today and let me put out the fire!

THE BUM DOCTOR’S TALE OF A FISTULA

It lies on your bum and causes you pain
It comes from an abscess that needed to drain
When the abscess is gone you may be done
Unless you develop a fistula which is not fun
A fistula is a tunnel which lies under muscle and skin
Fistulas can be thick or they can be thin
You must know that one thing is for sure
Without surgery there is no cure.
It will swell and drain as long as it exists
Without a surgical cure it will definitely persist
So if you have anal swelling and drainage every day
Call Dr. Rosenfeld’s office to make an appointment without delay!

VALENTINES DAY CARD LIMERICK

It’s an honor that you refer patients, whose butts are on fire.
I am so grateful you thought of me, in their time of dire.
As a proctologist, there is no holiday which celebrates “the fart”.
So it is on Valentine’s day that I give thanks from the BOTTOM of my heart.
Oh the cookies, brownies and candy will make you elated.
So take extra fiber and water so as not to get constipated.
And remember my office is just a hop skip and a jump.
So please think of me when your patients complain of a lump in their rump.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

THE BUM DOCTOR’S TALE OF A COLONOSCOPY

Oh the time has come, the day you fear
Yes it’s time that I look in your rear
A colonoscopy is the procedure’s name
Anyone 50 or over is fair game
Why is it needed, oh you want an answer
Well it’s to look for and remove polyps, to prevent colon cancer
The test is a breeze because you’re asleep
It’s prepping your colon which makes you weep
Yes the colon cleanse is quite the chore
But it must be clean for Dr. Rosenfeld to explore.
The laxative has many nasty flavors one is lemon-lime
If used in an interrogation it would be considered a war crime
You drink so much liquid you soon choke it down
You look in the mirror, yes your eye balls are brown
The laxative you drink makes your intestines rumble
You’ll rush to the toilet and pray you don’t stumble
You’ll crap and you’ll crap and you’ll crap some more
You’ll go so much you’ll nearly crap on the floor
In and out of bed you get little sleep
It’s 6am and your alarm goes beep, beep, beep.
You stand for a while to make sure you’re all done
Because crapping in your car will not be fun.
You arrive at the location ready for the fun to start
Oh no not again, whew it was just a fart.
You have the procedure with an anesthesiologist at your side
So when you wake up you still have your pride
You see, a small look in your rear was actually a misquote
I look in so deep I’ll see the back of your throat
When the 6 foot long tube is removed from your rump
It’s time to pass all that gas in your colon that I did pump
In recovery I will show you the pictures I took
So you can scan them to post on Facebook
Yes the world will know that you are brave
And the more people you tell the more lives you may save!